Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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