I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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