I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
