and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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