Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
