Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
