I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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