Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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