so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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