Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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