I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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