Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
