I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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