Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dick very happy bro
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
