Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
