i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
