This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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