D3 body, D1 cock
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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