I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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