Already got asked if we're dating
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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