took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
