I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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