ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
