Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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