I puked a lego.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
