Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
