cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
