So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
