I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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