just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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