I haven't been this sober since birth.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
