Swine flu. Run for my life!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
