mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
