his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
