he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
