your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The best revenge is premature balding
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
