I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My dick has a subreddit
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
