My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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