i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
