I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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