So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
