she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
