Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
