there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
