Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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