If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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