wakey wakey hands off snakey
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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