I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
