dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
