I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
