remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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