Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
