The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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