i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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