The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
