Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
