ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
