my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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