Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
