that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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