Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
