thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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