I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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