You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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