Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
