maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
