smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Let's paint friendship bongs
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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