We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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