I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
