i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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