I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
